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Participation in the “Jazz Train” thing requires signing off an a lovely bit of legalischtick nonsense entitled “STATEMENT OF RESPONSIBILITY AND AUTHORIZATION WAIVER, RELEASE AND INDEMNIFICATION AGREEMENT.”  It’s even more fun than it sounds like up front.

…I hereby acknowledge that I understand that participation in a KPLU travel program involves many types of risks.

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The Allusion Market

Filed under: Uncategorized

Kudos to Chris (aka the Caffeinated Gypsy, aka the Texting Terror of DC) for recognizing today’s obscure cultural reference. Or at least, I thought it was obscure — perhaps I am so thoroughly immersed in popular culture that I would not know obscurity if it struck me at an oblique angle and lodged itself in my skull, or originality if it picked my nose. When Chris acknowledged and extended the reference, I went from feeling geeky to feeling relevant. Folks, that’s a great feeling.

In exchange, Chris offered me her favorite lolcat of the day — worth taking at peek at for sure.

(12:35:18 PM) Chris: are the help desk and outlook in any way releated?
(12:35:43 PM) Chris: b/c today, the mutual hated society for them is somethingelse
(12:36:14 PM) Zero: I would say they’re related the same way the Jets and the Sharks were related –
(12:36:19 PM) Zero: classic blood feud
(12:36:42 PM) Chris: where’s officer krumpke when you need him
(12:36:51 PM) Zero: 10 pts. to you
(12:39:02 PM) Chris: B-)
(12:39:15 PM) Zero: Chris, you are one cool cat
(12:40:46 PM) Chris: aww….thanky. for that, you get my fave lolcat link of the day: http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/02/14/funny-pictures-purrito/

And, for anyone unfamiliar with dear officer Krupke:

Feb 08 2008

Ultra WTF Wombat

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Ultra WTF Wombat

Given the right caption, I’m sure this image would beat Mr. Castle’s BBQ craving Ultra LOL Cat. It might even eat it for lunch.  I’m not sure what that caption might be, but for some reason “Run, Forest, Run!” keeps coming to mind. I blame Thomas Pratt, Esquire, for his bad influence on my cinematic tastes.

However, the image actually comes from an article in The Age titled The Secret Sex Life of Wombats, courtesy of Poem.

Mr Marks says he hopes his study will solve the sloth-like image problem of the common wombat, making the furry marsupials “the symbol of Australian male sexual virility”.

Feb 07 2008

Inadequate Pipes, Manpower Candy, and Metaphor Abuse

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It turns out that Michael Dodd has an inadequate pipe. At least he has a plan to rectify the situation. After spending most of a week in the spam cesspit unleashed by our recent transition to Lanham’s exchange servers, one can see how he might have come by this idea honestly — my inbox has been deluged with

Manpower Candy

and other various and sundry threadbare marketing ploys.

Of course, the messaging is right at home in my work environment — when someone is sucking up too much of our bandwidth, we say they’re “chewing our pipe.” If someone has a lot of bandwidth, we say they have a “fat” or a “thick” pipe. If my home server cannot deliver data adequately to Google’s crawler, I would say “my pipe is flaccid.” (Naturally, I would certainly never admit this publicly — this blog is password protected, right guys?)

In my opinion, hyperbole is a naughty metaphor, a metaphor gone out for a night on the town — or possibly a metaphor that has metastasized and invaded territories of meaning in which it does not belong. I am a reasonably hyperbolic person. Granted, anyone who watches television or uses the internet (or receives spam) in this country knows, or should know, that we’re living in an unreasonably hyperbolic culture. I don’t feel too guilty about it.

At the same time, I do worry periodically about my dependence on it. I often employ hyperbole strategically — to annoy Jed, to distract in the middle of an inquisition, to allay tension in certain circumstances. But my abuse of metaphor extends far beyond the limits of practical use. I wonder periodically if I am hyperbolic to cover up a fundamental inadequacy. As I age, sometimes I feel like I’m drying up — like my personality is following the bad example of my hair and thinning towards the point of extinction.

Sometimes I am afraid that I am turning into a boring person. A drudge, a zero, a cipher.

My friends, please don’t let that happen to me. If I do go over to the other side… there’s a crowbar under the passenger side seat of my car, and a couple of rolls of duct tape in my trunk; there’s a can of shaving cream beneath the bathroom sink at work, and you can buy a package of a dozen cheap safety razors for $0.79 at Rite Aid. If I turn boring, please knock me unconscious and shave my hair to form pithy and amusing emoticons, preferably vulgar in nature.

You would be doing me a favor.

Feb 04 2008

Things I Have Learned

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This will not be an exhaustive list, mind you. However, there will be an exam.

These are things I have learned recently:

  1. Terry Kaye (whose malapropisms deserve more than the singular blog post I have devoted to them) has a dirty mind. While I was in Lanham the week before last, she IM’d me to ask if I was “in the orifice.” Needless to say, I did not dignify her query with a response. Tsk, tsk. Terry, I feel certain that you are the recipient of divine disapproval right now.
  2. That I cannot pat my head while rubbing my belly under stress. If I am calm and relax, sure, I can do both simultaneously. If, on the other hand, you ask me to do the same thing while one person is shouting insults at me and another is trying to knock me senseless with a wiffle bat — no. I can not do it.
  3. That age will inevitably humiliate me. While hacky-sacking recently, something terrible happened in my spine — one can only imagine that it was the vertebral equivalent of a train wreck. Three days later, I found that I could not stand up without propping myself up against a building. I have recovered greatly since then (partly with the assistance of massage) but I have learned to live in fear of what my body might do to me if I fail to treat it right.
  4. That air travel doesn’t just kind of suck, it really truly madly deeply sucks.
    • Addendum 1: going through security in Bellingham is approximately three times more civil and less painful than doing the same at SeaTac. Likewise, Reagan is far more civil than Dulles or BWI.
    • Addendum 2: laptops are a major liability at security checkpoints because they effectively turn one item into 2 and multiply the number of items that need to be repackaged at the end of the line. Nothing makes me feel more foolish than dropping my laptop while hopping on one foot trying to tie my shoe with my belt unbuckled. Ugh.

    On the other hand, there is something almost godlike about seeing the world from 37,000 feet — well, a god with terrifically bad eyesight and a bad case of indigestion.

  5. That it is possible to accidentally stumble across a decent sushi restaurant by accident. This has never really happened to me before, and the sushi restaurant in question (whose name I have already forgotten) also did quite decent Thai food. Actually, I fear I am reversing things — it was a Thai restaurant that, like Bellingham’s Pad Thai, offers decent sushi. In any case, good company and good food make a welcome and comfortable oasis on a cold night.
  6. That is is impossible to make cats do anything useful.  Except for gourmet cats who may be willing to be involved in food preparation.  I initially considered myself very fortunate to possess one of these rare felines, but I have discovered that they generally consider their work well done after they have shared their opinions with you…  at length.
Feb 04 2008

Aftermath

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So, I’ve been trying to make myself blog all week long.  There hain’t been no shortage of things to blog about — lots of really good and interesting things, and one or two really, really terrible things, have all occurred within a remarkably brief span of time.  Somehow, the thought of trying to summarize them makes me feel exhausted, so I won’t even try.  Writing about things that have happened seems to be a way of trying to make sense of them.  If the events in question don’t make any real sense, the activity is intrinsically futile.  So nevermind — just fuhgedaboudit

Instead, I’m thinking about the future — about the logistical challenge and excitement of finding a residence in Bellingham’s deeply entrenched housing market, about the Portland Jazz Festival I’ll be visiting next month, about software I am going to write and paintings I am going to paint.  It’ll be time to start gardening soon — my day lilies are already peeking out.

Jan 17 2008

A Cat Named Burger

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Whoah there, watch out. For some reason I had to watch this over and over again. Perhaps this resonates with some of my more recent frustrations… ;-)

Jan 08 2008

Freudian Typos

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I just received this from my lovely colleague, Terry, who is without doubt one of the nicest folks I have ever met.

(3:03:37 PM) Terry: my latest in Freudian typos: wonderfu
(3:03:47 PM) Terry: definition: new geek script
(3:07:26 PM) Zero: that’s awesome Freud! I’m blogging that
(3:07:32 PM) Terry: heeee

This excerpt actually includes one of my favorite office-isms. I’m not sure if it was Al or Terry who introduced it into common parlance here in Ferndale, or at least from whom I absorbed it, butI have certainly adopted it into my IM lexicon.

*Usage Notes*

Usage # 1: Kevin: hee

Interpretation: Kevin is mildly amused or simulating polite amusement

Usage # 2: Kevin: heeee

Interpretation: Kevin is very amused

Usage # 3: Kevin: heeeeeeeee

Interpretation: Kevin is probably in danger of wetting himself if he has not already

Usage # 4: Kevin: heeEEEhehehehe

Interpretation: Kevin is probably IMing you while eating ritalin-laced broccoli and throwing sharp objects at his coworkers. In this circumstance, we recommend contacting the authorities immediately and locking the doors.

Heee.

Jan 07 2008

Coming Up For Air

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Wow, it’s been a while. I must confess I can remember remarkably little of the last month and a half. And the two months before that are quite, quite blurry. And the 31 years and 6 months before that… well, they’re just gone, baby.

Let me add, briefly, that I hate the feeling that your brain is rising towards a boil and may rupture the top of your skull and escape into the atmosphere as a vapor. I’ve felt that feeling several times in the last month and a half, that I do remember.

So, let’s have a recap of recent events!

  • December 14th: We turned the old PRWeb off, shuffled all its bits and bytes to its new home, and then turned it back on again. Nothing exploded. That’s the good news, but not the end of the story. A variety of software and hardware kinks made sure our sleeping schedules were unpredictable all the way through — er, actually, yesterday.
  • December 27th: Joel Baker leaves. Again. And it snowed. He’d already been gone, in a practical sense, for some time… but his departure party reminded me strongly why I like the old curmudgeon so much. Joel, I’m going to miss you.
  • December 27th. I know I mentioned this earlier but it bears repeating: it snowed, yay!!!!
  • December 25. Christmas. Played taboo until we were all speaking in tongues. Five adults, one child, on large dog, and two cats coexisted happily in our tiny home, a touching (but not tidy) demonstration of the traditional meaning of the holiday.
  • December 31. Whilst battling more code breakage using only a blackberry, a Nalgene bottle full of holy water, and my trusty remote-control vorpal blade, my sister and I made a sort of pilgrimage back to our hometown to visit my cousin Bjorn. My sister has referred to this as “Cousin Day.” We ate lots of junk food and some pizza I scorched thoroughly (along with my fingers) on the oven my grandmother used for a quarter of a century without any apparent effort. Sigh. It was an absolutely great day.  I would humbly request more like it from fate, even if she is a two-bit crack whore.
  • January 1. My dad goes in for laproscopic surgery.
  • January 3. I debut as a professional dancer thanks to Poem. Unfortunately, critics favor Jed’s limber movements and expressive face, and I am not asked to return to the Moulin Rouge.
  • January 6. I finally get around to mucking aboot with my website to restore access to my painting gallery, which I uploaded like 2 months back.

That’s it! Hurray for blogging!

Jan 03 2008

Castleisms

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Mr. Castle, whom I have not spoken with for some time and whose critiques of our work ethics in the midst of crises have cut me to the quick, IM’d this to me out of the blue:

(12:28:24 PM) Castle: omg! they sky is falling! whaaaaaaaa
(12:28:29 PM) Castle: that is all.

Update as of Jan 7 2008!

Mr. Castle (who seems to be adopting the pseudonym “A. Fortress”) directed another drive-by IMing at me this evening, emerging from “Away” status just long enough to fire this off:

(8:28:52 PM) Castle: poop!! poooop i say!!
(8:28:54 PM) Castle: that is all

I didn’t even have the opportunity to fire off a return shot:

(8:29:31 PM) Kevin: what *is* that gruesome Penguin Puppet you have associated with your IM client?

Here’s his avatar:

Penguin Puppet

Gruesome, isn’t it? Gives me the chills.  I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep at night until I discover the origin of this image.  Please note however that, due to Cari’s schooling, Mr. Castle avoided a repeat misspelling of the word “the.”  Granted, he accomplished this by avoiding its use; still, progress cannot be expected if it isn’t rewarded.  Good work!