Archive for December, 2007


Daddy Loves You

Who are you spending your quality time with?

Cathy sent me this ad yesterday, mostly to tease me but also to remind me — hey, buster! — you’ve sure had your head stuck up Jezebel’s USB port a lot recently. It’s true. I’ve been gaming more than I have since Civilization II days, a long, long time ago, and work-related concerns seems to be occupy a lot more of my thought processes. Alas, it’s true — I spend the vast majority of my energy, ingenuity, and care on cold, loveless circuitry. Beautiful, shiny circuitry…

Nevertheless, compared to the days when I’d wake up, sweating and agitated, from dreams of writing code — when more than half of my income was from overtime and my boss disallowed me to take an hour off of a long, long day to go home for dinner — when I stopped bathing for days at a time and subsisted on pizza and coca cola and coffee — my oh my but these are such remarkably well-balanced times. I count myself very fortunate indeed to be wearing my nondescript brown leather shoes.

They’re very comfortable and they only look boring.

Suicide Notes and Cat Costumes

Man, there is just so much absurdity in the world.  An hour ago I was laughing and now I am weeping; tomorrow I’ll laugh again.  I’m petting my cats now even though two nights ago I chased Ralph around the house murderously with a squirt bottle and a baseball bat (if he acts up again tonight, I’m going to throw the little bastard to the wolves).  And here I am posting my cousin’s suicide note and it’s going to share space on my blog with a picture of a cat wearing reindeer antlers.  Bizarre.

My cousin (BJ, shortened form of Bjorn, Old Norse for The Bear) is not dead.  He’s just decided that he’s going to go off his medications on New Year’s Day.  On the same day everyone else quits drinking and smoking and vows to exercise or take of yoga or feng shui, he is going to begin to, as he puts it, “let [his] body deteriorate away instead of holding out false hope that things will ever change.”  He laid out the details of what he’s facing in an email with the Subject Line, appropriately enough, of “My Name is Inigo Montoya.”  I realize now how blurred together his grief and his sense of humor have been in his last umpteen emails, facing this.

I am unsure as to how long it will take for my body to completely succumb to what it has been given, but I am certain that I don’t want it to last long  …For the first time in the past two years my mind has been able to settle down and not worry about doctors, my blood counts, sterile food, waking up in a hospital…   I can finally concentrate on the important things like what happened to the Huskies defense this season, Ginger or MaryAnne, and is there a candy bar better than Snickers?

Of course, what he’s contemplating isn’t really suicide.  I used that word incorrectly.  He’s saving himself.  It’s so weird how the weights of mortality and pain reverse everything, pull everything out of skew, making death a release and continued existence unbearable.

It grieves me deeply that I haven’t spoken to BJ more than a handful of times over the past 13 or 14 years.  I made some choices that opened a gap between us, and then time just kept flowing, and flowing, and flowing until — here we are.  I can’t believe this has happened to fast to someone so young, no cancel buttons, no recourses, no insurance policies, no technological solutions.  Time is so short and so incredibly valuable.

Now I am living a life free of worries, granted it is not an open ended life, but I will take what I have.   Speed limits are now speed suggestions, I can eat as much bacon and ice cream as I want and not think about the calories or fat, if i don’t floss often enough who cares?  That’s right, a true life on the edge.  Keep your daughters away, I am dangerous.

I’m sure I’ll draw all sort of sage philosophical conclusions from this later.  But they’ll probably be unsound because, let’s face it, most foolproof philosophies are pretty hosed.  Later I’ll be detached and accepting and at peace.  Right now I’m going to dance insanely and shake my fists and laugh with surprise at how brave BJ is through all of this and curse quite, quite profanely at how ridiculously unfair it all is.   And then, tomorrow evening, I will post some more pictures of cats with odd headwear — hopefully, my cats wearing odd hats — and then time will flow, and flow, and flow.

Live hard, BJ.  And I will help you with the bacon.

Correspondence

To date, my cats have received more Christmas cards than I have. Behold:

Tigerlily and Ralph’s Christmas Card

However, Tigerlily and Ralph were both a little put off by the front of the card. Especially Tigerlily, who’s quite sensitive. I guess she can’t really be blamed, since it is impossible to argue that this

Front of the Card

does NOT set a frightening precedent.

The Show Must Go On

This quote from Shakespeare in Love is eerily reminiscent of the secret inner workings of my day job:

Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre software development business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.
Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do?
Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.
Hugh Fennyman: How?
Philip Henslowe: I don’t know. It’s a mystery.

Technology Sucks

Breakage, breakage everywhere!

  • Thunderbird freezing on HTML loads.
  • Half Life 2, Episode 1 crapping out at the beginning of the Exit 17 level.
  • A Cisco 5520 firewall box is chewing up our inter-site networking schema.
  • My Blackberry has decided that Macarena is the only ring tone for me. Damn it! Actually, that’s a disturbingly catchy tune.
  • My left rear power window has started squeaking if the ambient temperature is between 43 and 48 degrees.
  • My TV, long in need of degaussing, now looks like some digital miscreant urinated on the upper right corner.
  • The cat ate my headphones and has had terrible gas ever since. Honestly, it’s the cat.

Technology: the masochistic scourges and whips with which we moderns flail ourselves.

…(moment of reflection)…

In recognition of the “Giving Thanks” blogging model being pioneered by our own Cari Lyle, I should point out that not everything is broken. Helping build things that work makes me happy. And my life is far from dismal!

UPDATE

Strangely enough, as soon as I finished writing this and published it, my email client started working again.  The power of positive thinking?

Snow, Salt, and Mist

For anyone who feels the need to spend some time on the beach while in Ferndale, here is how to do it:

1. Begin going west on Main Street. Cars are preferable. Scooters are acceptable. Attempting this on foot is discouraged as Ferndaleans are not, in general, very pedestrian friendly.

2. You will go over a hill, at which point Main Street will become Mountain View Road despite the fact the hill you just cross obscures the mountain entirely from view.

3. When you see the sign for Intalco, veer right onto Rainbow Road. Rainbow is actually quite drab, but wisely circumvents the aluminum plant, which makes Rainbow look fascinating by comparison.

4. Rainbow arcs back towards the west and, passing Kickerville Road, becomes Henry Road.

5. Take the train crossing at as close to 43 MPH as you can. It is, as the sign says (if you’re going slow enough to read it), a “Rough X-ing.” Trust me, 43 MPH is the sweet spot. At 50, you might hurt yourself, and at 30, it’s like driving over a curb. At 43 it’s… well, try it (P.S. This is only true in the Westward direction. Do NOT attempt this on the return journey!)

6. Henry road will stop at a T, yielding to traffic on Gulf Road. Take a left. If you happen to be doing this on a sunny day during the right time of year, the sunlight on the water is blinding and beautiful, viewed through a telescopic tunnel of trees, like this:

Terminus of Gulf Road

Of course, today was not at all like this. It was warm — hell, from a high of 28 degrees on Saturday, the temperature flirted with 60 this afternoon — but windy and showery. Large fragments of the beach, which had been clobbered by a much more significant windstorm several weeks ago, were still laying soggily around the muddy parking lot, making for interesting driving. It was high tide and the wind driven waves were probably in the 3-4 foot range. Being the idiot I am, I headed North and crossed the outlet of the wetlands area immediately adjoining the beach. This had me walking on a stony, driftwood strewn strip of land between 2 and 5 yards wide, surrounded on both sides by water, and pelted by rain.

Now, I have a fantasy about taking a winter camping trip to the long stretch of Pacific Coast between Rialto and Ozette at least once once in my life, to see that great body of water in its greyest, sternest mood. I may still do so someday. Let me say, though, that my enthusiasm for winter beaches went from 120% to 85% within the space of about 40 minutes. The wind and waves were positively violent. Crossing the mouth of the wetland was the most intimidating part — the surf had pounded the slough’s mouth full of driftwood, like a cork being pounded into the mouth of a bottle, and I had to cross this ad-hoc bridge while it was being jostled and hammered by the waves from the seaward side. They were shaking beneath my feet. Some of them were the fragments of what had been whole logs just a few weeks ago.

By the time I got back to my car, drenched from chin to scalp above and knees to shoes below, the path I’d walked — a pleasant stroll four months ago, in midsummer — felt a great deal longer than I remembered it.
I would still like to look upon the Pacific when, quoting Frost,

Great waves looked over others coming in,
And thought of doing something to the shore
That water never did to land before

However, I shall have to consider the logistics of that particular journey very carefully. I felt good about my outing when I was done (and especially after a cup of hot tea) but, damn it, it took three hours for my pants to dry out.

It was odd, driving back towards Ferndale, to see the patches of snow still tucked away under the eaves of the woods and in patches of brambles. They seemed to linger much longer than they should have and, strangely enough, little clouds of blueish mist hung over every patch. Quite a pleasant atmospheric effect.

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